The Fistfight

Left to right: Sarah, Signe, Melissa.

This past March we attended a niece’s wedding in rural North Carolina. We were happy to celebrate with the new couple and it was also a great time to see family. The reception was held in a large barn that was designed for such events. Towards the end of the evening, the weather cooled and Nana complained of being cold. We closed the large door that we were sitting next to and that is when we met the woman at the adjacent table.

We weren’t formally introduced and never got her name, but it was probably Tammy. She looked to be in her late 20s or early 30s and was just a big ole surly country girl. For some reason, she found the situation with the door very irritating. She made a face like someone had farted in the elevator and demanded to know what we were doing. We explained that Nana was chilly. She  replied that now everyone else was going to have to be hot just because one old lady said she was cold. We told her that there were other doors that were still open and she could sit near one if that was her preference. This did not make her any happier than she had been previously.

A short while later Nana went to the ladies room and who should she encounter but Tammy. Tammy decided that Nana was taking too much time at the sink, so she shoved her out of the way. Upon leaving the lavatory and returning to the reception she then confronted me and accused me of stealing her cups. 

The party favors were 16-ounce plastic cups. They read “Sarah and Melissa” and featured a tree full of hearts, but the best thing about them was that they glowed in the dark. I thought that was pretty cool so I walked around and collected about a dozen empties. Tammy claimed that she had done the same thing. In fact, she left her cups on her table where I JUST HAPPENED to be standing. I also just happened to be holding a stack that looked EXACTLY like hers. COINCIDENCE?? I said don’t get your briefs in a wad Johnny Cochrane. I gathered these cups myself and they belong to me. There were still others to be had if you’d put out the effort to get them. As she collected more cups she seethed at my effrontery. 

By this time Nana had told Greta about Tammy’s rather graceless approach to hygiene.

Greta, the button pusher.

Greta  is one of the younger Van De Carr sisters. If you have seen the sarcastic greeting cards featuring Auntie Acid, you have already met Greta. She is a bit younger and a bit heavier, but other than that she is Auntie Acid right down to the cigarette. She started her career as a stand up comedian. After ten years of working for essentially no money, she decided to transition to a more lucrative field. She chose teaching instead. She really connects with her students and this has helped her earn Teacher of the Year accolades in three different states. There is nobody that knows how to push buttons like Greta. As she walked past Tammy, who was now jealously guarding a newly acquired stack of cups, she leaned down and whispered “I hope you are having a good time, but if you touch my mother again I will kill you.” 

As you might imagine, this also did not make Tammy happier than she had been previously.

Like a lit match to a gasoline soaked charcoal grill, that was just the provocation that she was looking for.  She lunged for Greta, but a funny thing happened on the way to the forum. She met Heidi, who had seen everything.

Heidi can convincingly
pretend to be tough.

Heidi Van De Carr Cadwell is the oldest sister. She lives in New Hampshire and wears her hair in a wiry gray bob. What she likes most in the world is being mom, and she’s good at it. She has fostered dozens children over the years, which is how Sarah came into the family, and she also has two wonderful kids of her own. With an undergraduate degree in theatre, she is never more than a second or two away from some sort of weird theatrical air. In this case, she had no trouble conjuring up the brio of a pay-per-view cage fighter. She poked her finger into soft part of Tammy’s shoulder, the surprise of which knocked her back into her seat. Then using her best summer stock voice growled: “SIT! THE FUCK! DOWN!” This was totally unexpected by everyone, even by Heidi, but especially by Tammy, who used the following tense seconds to consider her next move.

No one wanted this thing to escalate. No one wanted to spoil Sarah and Melissa’s reception. I also think the Van De Carr women were just a little afraid. They weren’t afraid of Tammy. Rather they were worried that their competitive natures would not even allow them to back down from a redneck fist fight at a gay wedding. If it turned into that, however, it would be right in Terry’s roundhouse. 

Terri can drop you with either hand.

In Ohio she's 
a known person

At 49, Terry is the youngest of the six Van De Carr sisters. Bringing the pain is both her vocation and her avocation. Thirty years ago she was scholarship field hockey player at Ohio State. Now works she as a physical therapist in Columbus where her smiling, sadistic exertions bring tears to many buckeyes. For fun she skates in the Ladies Over 40 Ice Hockey League where she leads the city in penalty minutes. She is nothing more than a rust belt hockey hooligan and her vicious body checks are just another form of job security. With a noticeable twitch of her scarred lip she dryly commented: “We may not be the best fighters here, but come on, there are over 700 pounds of us.” And she wasn’t even counting the brothers.

The silly grins on the sister’s faces were merely a sign of suppressed laughter. Tammy apparently thought they were an indication of eager anticipation. There were four of them, and no, they weren’t small. She loudly complained: “She fucking pushed me! She fucking pushed me!” That released the laughter. Then Tammy ran from the hall shouting “Cheryl! Cheryl! They’re going to KILL me!” If there was a local newspaper the headline in the Society Section would have read: “Local Hick Taps Out To 63-Year-Old New England Housewife.”

Gretchen is known to score
cups and plates at receptions.

It was around this time we decided to leave. It had nothing to do with the kerfuffle, but the kegs were empty. As we collected our jackets my wife Gretchen (second of the sisters) looked over to where Tammy had been sitting and said to me, “Jeb, get her cups.”

And I did. They are just so handy.

Most of the Van De Carr kids with Nana (in the salmon sweater)