The Apologies

One afternoon my wife called me at work. She was upset. When our son called another kid at school a pussy, that kid “threw him up against a wall” causing them both to get suspended. I asked, “was he?” She said, “was he what?” A pussy?

“Uh, I don’t know. Look, that doesn’t even matter! That isn’t even funny! Ryan got into trouble and this could be very serious for his future if….” I attended to work on my desk as the white noise came from the receiver. Excuse me for my fact finding. 

Lowe's Grove was founded in 1896.

The following day I got a call from the school. They asked me if I could come in the next morning to discuss the situation with the administration and the other parent. I thought this was a done deal and they didn’t need any of my input. Then again, I knew that the school always wanted parental involvement, so I reluctantly consented to attend. They said great. The meeting was at 9 and they asked me to be there about 10 minutes early, and to bring Ryan with me. 

I'm sure they have a nicer table at Apple.

When we arrived we were taken to a board room with a large conference table. I was told essentially the same story that I heard from Erin. Ryan called a kid a name. That boy shoved him. The result, according to their protocols, was that Ryan got in-school suspension and the other boy, since he became physical, received out-of-school suspension. Ms. Smith, the other boy’s mother, had asked for this meeting because they thought she might perceive the differences in punishment as unfair. You see, the Smith family was African-American.

Well DUH!!! Of course she thinks it’s unfair! How could she see it any differently? In her view, my kid taunts her son to the breaking point. He then responds inappropriately, maybe because he’s 12, so both boys are sent to the office. Then the black kid gets kicked out of school and the white kid gets study hall. How is that fair? I understand that they have guidelines, but in a situation like, jeez, make it easy on yourselves. Just give the kids the same punishment, either in-school suspension, or out-of-school suspension, I don’t care which. This woman had been stewing on the injustice for a couple of days and was going to come in and let us have it. One one hand, I get that. On the other, I was not inclined to submit myself to an hour of lecturing and yelling particularly when I had nothing to do with the whole situation . I was about to leave when the Smith family walked in, which was Johnny followed by his mother.

Ms. Smith was a nice looking woman who was very well put together in an Ann Taylor business suit. (Trust me on that one.) She also wasn’t angry like I was expecting. Instead she was pleasant and personable. Introductions went around the table and then, since she had called the meeting, it was turned over to her. 

She started by thanking everyone for showing up. Then said something to the effect of: “I understand Johnny and Ryan got into an altercation the other day. I have heard the story several times and each version varies. So I thought it would be a good idea to get the boys together to see if we can find what the facts really are and then proceed from there. Johnny? Would you tell us what happened Monday afternoon with Ryan?”

Johnny was your typical middle school kid who didn’t want to be there. The setting was intimidating enough, but when the focus was on him it made it even worse. As he talked he stared down at the table and mumbled. When he finished his mother thanked him and then turned to Ryan and said, “Now Ryan, why don’t YOU tell me the truth.” 

The inflection in Ms. Smith’s request indicated that it was not that she thought Ryan might otherwise lie, but that she knew Johnny already had. I could not have been any more gobsmacked if you had slapped me in the face with a can of spam. Ryan picked up on this and  tried to downplay the events. When he described the physical contact he said “well, you know, he sort of pushed into me.” As if it was incidental hallway contact and nothing even close to a punishable offense. When he was done Ms. Smith thanked him. Then she wheeled on her son, and pointed her (immaculately manicured) finger in his face said: “Don’t - you - EVER - touch another person! Not at any time! Not for any reason! Look, I don’t care what he said! I don’t care what name he called you! I DON’T EVEN CARE IF HE TOUCHED YOU FIRST!! That is not the way we deal with people. That is not the way we handle our problems…”

The school currently has about 650 students.

Johnny started crying, but Ms. Smith was just getting going.  She made him look at her as she went through the hypotheticals….what if I did this and what if someone else did that? Are you going to knock down your grandma if she says something you don’t like?? It lasted for about two or three minutes. By the end of it the kid was losing a lot of fluid. He had tears running down his cheeks, snot coming out of his nows, and this long piece of drool looked like an icicle hanging from his mouth. I felt Iike I should try to get him a sports drink or something. To wrap things up she said: “Johnny, you owe Ryan and apology.” Wait. WHAT??? Look lady, my kid started this whole thing. Can’t we just call it a draw and adjourn this meeting to Starbucks? No we could NOT. I’m sure Ms. Smith was not happy with Ryan, but she had no control over him. She expected certain things out of Johnny and his options were to either meet those expectations or exceed them. He had no other choices. So Johnny apologized and Ryan immediately reciprocated. Ms. Smith exhaled and smiled. I was glad when it was over.

But it wasn’t.

Then Ms. Smith put on her sweet, good-cop voice and asked, “Johnny, how many students go to this school?”

I don’t know.

Not another parent meeting!

“Yeah. I don’t know either, but I do know its a lot. And you know what? Mr. Administrator here is responsible for every single one of them. He collects the permission slips. He hires the bus drivers. And at the end of the day, when you are at home having your snack, he is still here working. He gets here before you do. He sometimes doesn’t get home to his family until after dark. I know you didn’t mean to hurt Ryan, honey, you just weren’t thinking. But your actions go beyond just you. They affect other people too. They ALWAYS affect other people. Mr. Administrator is one of them. He dealt with this problem the other day and he is dealing with it again today. Johnny, this man is busy! He doesn’t have time for this! You need to apologize to him.”

I’m sorry. 

Then it was my turn.

After this meeting I promised myself
I would try to dress more professionally.
The vow was quickly forgotten.

“You know, Johnny, like everyone else, Mr. Sturmer works. He has a job. He was nice enough to take off time to come in here and meet with us this morning. You know, he might not be getting paid because of this. You are costing this man money! You own him an apology, too.” [At this point in my life I had been on salary for over ten years, so Johnny was not actually costing me money. But apparently Ms. Smith thought I had the gravitas of an off-duty Staples stock boy, which is what might have led to her confusion.] 

I’m sorry. 

Upon the third apology we were finished Ms. Smith thanked us and said she was very appreciative that we made time for the meeting. The whole thing lasted for all of about 15 minutes. Ryan never got suspended after that, in-school or otherwise. I never heard what happened to Johnny. I can only imagine that at this very minute he is in another board room. Only this time he is leading the meeting as chairman. 

How I picture Johnny today.